If you can love me
by MeltdownHooligan
Summary: Nepeta pays again for her feelings, but this time around, Captor feels the need to do something about it.


_"I may not have the softest touch  
I may not say the words as such  
And though I may not look like much  
I'm yours  
And though my edges may be rough  
I never feel I'm quite enough  
It may not seem like very much  
But I'm yours"_

Intense light emitted from the screen, reflecting upon red and blue toned spectacles that shielded a pair of dreary eyes. Sollux's head was supported by his palm under his chin, indicating his fatigue and his other hand had fingers strewn across the computer mouse. With a sigh, he manipulated it to the right. His gaze travelled across the codes, knowingly and worn, and then veiled themselves in darkness behind his lids. He could feel an intense pain in his sinus and frowned in response. The result of staring at a screen too much, no doubt, and this consequence was certainly something he could do without.

Grunting, annoyed, he rose from his position and pushed the chair backwards. He lay the palm of his right hand upon the back of his neck and inhaled, deeply. With some hesitation, he then turned to leave the room. The voices were yelling again and even the distraction of his elated hobby couldn't drown it out.

_-Ding!_

Suddenly the irritating sound notifying a message rung through the buzzing and bustling voices in his head and he froze. _Who the hell is bothering me now? _And then, with obvious inner reluctance he turned to observe the screen once more, leaning so his glasses half sheltered his squinted gaze.

carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** began trolling twinArmageddons **[TA]**

**CG:** SOLLUX.

**TA:** hey, KK what2 up?

**CG:** I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.

**TA:** fire away then, ii gue22

**CG:** YOU KNOW THE SITUATION BETWEEN ME AND TEREZI

**TA:**...ye2? Oh waiit plea2e don't tell me the great master of stupiid romcom2 actually want2 2ome adviice.

**CG:** HOW DID YOU KNOW?

**CG:** NO WAIT, SOLLUX IM BEING SERIOUS HERE, I ACTUALLY THINK I FEEL REALLY RED FOR HER, I DON'T WANT TO MESS THIS UP.

**TA:** Hm, alriight then, KK, what exactly do you want two hear?

**CG:** WELL FOR STARTERS, HOW DO I ACTUALLY BEGIN TO SAY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER? I MEAN YOU FUCKING NOW HOW AWKWARD I GET.

**TA:** ehehe yeah you really 2uck when iit comes two those thiings, KK.

CG: YOUR NOT HELPING CAPTOR.

**TA:** Okay, iin all 2eriiou2ness, ii thiink 2he actually feels 2omethiing for you anyway, 2o my adviice would be two cut the crap and tell her what 2he want2 two hear wiith a2 liittle fu22 a2 possiible.

**CG:** OH.

**CG:** YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD, I GUESS.

**CG:** THANKS SOLLUX, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK YOU'D DO IT.

TA: Yeah ii wouldn't get u2ed two iit much KK

**CG:** HUH, WHATEVER SOLLUX I'M OUT OF HERE, I'M MEANT TO BE MEETING UP WITH TEREZI

**TA:** ehehe, you can't me22 thiis one up, KK

**CG:** YEAH

**CG:** I HOPE NOT.

carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** ceased trolling twinArmeggdons **[TA]**

As he continued to stare at the screen, thoughts raced through his mind. He felt happy for his friend, but something felt so wrong. Something was nagging him, and it wasn't the voices this time. He just hoped re-reading the conversation might clear something out.

A sudden knock sounded on the floor behind him and Sollux, who was startled, hastily turned to see a scene that he wasn't expecting. Questioningly, an eyebrow rose and, as if he was trying to recover from his shock, he leaned back in his chair. He observed then, with an acquired straight face.

"...Hey, Nepeta."

The little cat-like troll was half-way in the room and he hadn't heard a thing before she seemingly knocked on the floor to purposely get his attention. _If I were Karkat, ruining her prowl would be the last thing on her mind... _As she met his gaze, a light, innocent smile assumed her lips. He couldn't help but frown. ..._Always smiling. She wouldn't be if... ugh. _It appeared as if his frown and the vague hint of uncharacteristic concern that followed had went unnoticed when she spoke, "Hi Sollux. Equius asked if he could have that thing he asked you to prepare for him..,?" It was obvious she was following by his words and that she actually didn't have any idea of the item which her moirail desired. It was shown also, by the confused and slightly nervous look she directed at the floor. She clasped her hands behind her back in a shy manner.

"Oh... yeah, thure." He murmured and rose from his seat to retrieve what was sought after, which was, quite annoyingly set quite far back inside the room and within the clutter of objects and wires.

As he knelt down in effort to find it, for some reason he decided to look behind his shoulder, back at Nepeta. The small female was in the same position, however her eyes were now wandering the room, observing, with feline curiosity very much present. Her helmet made her hair scruffy, but it was quite all right, as it suited her. Her innocence, yet ability to kill, baffled him and he caught himself on many occasions pondering about the playful and cat-like girl. Considering he had never really confronted her at all, Sollux decided it was just curiosity. In all honesty, her playful antics _did _intrigue him, although he hated to admit it. However, on the whole, he isn't the curious type, he shouldn't really care about the Karkat fanatic who seemed like she wanted to be more like her lusus than most. It isn't fair though. It isn't fair on her that her well-placed efforts are futile. It's a complete waste of emotion and time on her part and it irritated him. Perhaps even saddened him. But he _shouldn't_ care. Realising the amount of effort it took to snag his eyes away from her didn't help and he focused back onto the task on hand with a scowl.

After a minute or two of rummaging through 'junk' he uncovered what he was looking for. As he initiated operation: Dislodge annoyingly large item from meters of tangled wires, he thought. _It's so wrong. They way Karkat dismisses her like he does... _And his expression turned to one of unsettle, sidetracking him slightly. The whispers were, for once, overwhelmed by his own inner thoughts. ..._I'm sounding like an idiot now. I suppose the sleep-deprivation is catching up to me..._

He then stood up, object in hand and his other hand upon on the rim of his glasses, adjusting them. _That must be it. It's confusing the hell out of me. _Observing the item, he almost felt humoured by his own senselessness. But something within him hindered it, something so strained it made him feel sick and caused him to grimace. However, quickly he disregarded it and soon began walking his way back to where Nepeta was standing.

As he first glanced up from the object to where to he thought Nepeta would still be, he froze. If his eyes served him well, she was no longer residing by the door and he couldn't see where she had gone. A confused look overcame his face and he took a few steps forward in the effort to see further into the other side of the room, where Nepeta probably was, if she hadn't left altogether. He supposed curiosity got the better of her, and if he wasn't so engrossed presently in his own dilemmas, he would find the act quite amusing, as strange as it may seem. He had taken another step closer in order to view his computer when a noise then took him by surprise and stopped him in his tracks. The sound of sobbing was faint but audible from where he was heading. _Nepeta? _The obvious conclusion struck him at once and the inevitable sensation of concern forced itself to stir within him. _Why would she be crying? _Seconds after, the answer of the question made itself cruelly known through further realization. _Shit... Trollian. _An overwhelming sense of guilt wrung around him and he couldn't help but hurry his lasts few steps to reach her, who leaned over the desk and head within her arms as her body was supported by structure. The screen emitted blinding light and the chat he and Karkat had only minutes before was displayed clearly. He dropped what he was holding to the floor.

Something within him churned and he found it hard to swallow, "Nepeta?" He murmured quietly, but loud enough to sound above the sobs. Her sensitivity on the issue was obvious to him. Although unwillingly, nearly every smile assumed genuine, he felt the distress behind. Every time he heard her laugh, he couldn't help but sense unhappiness behind it. It was a strange thing that he has always thought to be the work of the voices and lack of sleep, and it was another thing on the list of what he could do without. But the more he ignored it, the more it persisted. It made him feel quite helpless.

Her haunched body reminded him of something not very long ago – he didn't really know how long ago it was, as it was almost impossible to keep track of time on the veil. It was in the main room and Karkat was up to his usual ranting, and, as usual, everyone was paying little to no attention. Everyone, except the usual little Nepeta who appeared to paying full heed to his fuming, sat hugging her knees not too far from him like a devoted follower. Sollux only knew this because he taking notice to some extent, as sometimes the uncontrolled idiot did mention something worth knowing. For the most part, however, he focused on otherwise. After a while, he seemed to be able to see beyond his blinding rage to realise that he wasn't getting the right awareness for a leader and he had shouted, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES NOT LISTENING, THIS IS IMPORTANT" Moments after, when he decided that listening to him actually wasn't worth the headache, he had heard the more gentle, surprisingly undaunted voice of Nepeta, "I'm listening, Karkat." He remembered gazing back slightly, bewildered by her tolerance. Almost immediately after, however, Karkat decided to disrupt the calm and he was glaring at Nepeta, who was quick to tense up, as if she knew what was going to happen, "FUCK, NEPETA GIVE IT UP, ITS NOT LIKE YOUR GOING TO BE ANY USE IF YOU HEARD ME OR NOT SO JUST … DON'T EVEN TRY" Although Sollux was only half turned to witness, he could see the withdrawal of Nepeta and her body become small on the floor. He felt something agitating him as he watched Karkat walk off with a scowl, leaving Nepeta to remain on the floor, stunned and on the brink of tears. As Feferi was quick to jump to Nepeta's side, Sollux surprised himself by glaring at his departing friend - but no one would have noticed that behind his glasses.

Her sobbing ceased momentarily as she straightened up and began trying to mumble through tears,

"S-sollux, I'm sorry! I just...-" Then the sobbing arose again and prevented her from continuing. It appeared as though she was trying to make the effort to turn around and leave but with her body shook with emotion, it was a hard thing to do for her. Sollux slowly walked forward, his heart weighing a tonne and his gaze hidden behind his glasses, perhaps to conceal his expression. He had had enough. He was sick of her anguish. Without thinking straight he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her, holding her in a consoling embrace, "Don't cry." He murmured simply and held her close. He didn't really need to think in order to realise that this was the right thing to do. He could feel her muffled sobbing as her chin rested on his shoulder, but it was receding. The warmth issuing from her small, delicate body was welcoming onto his cold skin and he wished he could hold onto her forever, making sure her suffering didn't go unnoticed. For once he didn't feel helpless. As her bawling stopped, he was surprised to feel her arms swathe around his back and return the embrace.

"Thank you Sollux." She mumbled and she buried her head close to his neck, her warm moist breath caressing his skin. He slowly brought his arm up to fondle her hair while the other arm held her close and secure, "If Karkat won't give you the attention you deserve, then I will..." He spoke quietly and gazed down at Nepeta's face, which was half obscured by her hair. Her eyes were closed and her eyebrows were no longer furrowed in grief. She seemed peaceful and Sollux couldn't prevent a smile manifesting upon his lips. He never realised how beautiful she really was until now – the thoughts of death, destruction and codes shrouded him in his own little world where no such light could shine through. Little did he know he just had to help it across. Now he had it, he felt he never wanted to let it go.

He realised that no matter what, his inclinations may never be returned. However, as he continued to hold her warm body and gaze at her peaceful face, he also realised, even if she did not feel that way, he would be fine with her just being happy. To see that every smile she puts on is true and her happiness is sincere would be more than enough. As he felt her body go limp, he tenderly lay her down on the computer chair, straightened himself and observed the slumbering girl with admiring eyes. She really was quite remarkable, and the way he hadn't really properly regarded her before was astonishing. With slight hesitation he leaned forward and was about to succumb to the temptation of kissing her forehead when-

_-Ding!_

Catching his attention in a split second, the notifying sound rung loud and clear. He was quick to turn his attention back on Nepeta, in case the clamour roused her. She stirred lightly but remained evenly dormant . Flickering his eyes to the screen, he simply pressed the button and shrouded the disruption in darkness then he turned, stepped over to and leaned quietly against the wall. He glanced at the small, curled up Nepeta on the chair and wondered whether her feelings for Vantas still endured. He wondered why he, Sollux Captor, felt so red for Nepeta Leijon and he hadn't even realised he had until now. He supposed he found it confusing, and he so seemingly, out of instinct, was quick to dismiss it into the dark depths of his stressed mind. He grimaced, irritated at the ground. Why was he so willing to scorn such an effective remedy? He grunted, folded his arms and closed his eyes, the tension his thoughts brought showing on the furrow of his eyebrows. The scene that happened so suddenly replayed in his mind and breath was forced up his throat in a sigh. The sickly feeling overcame him once again and then, he found it easier to sit against the wall instead. Slowly his head came to rest on his clenched first and, despite the stirring assurance in his heart he couldn't help but think,

"Fuckth... What have I gotten myselth into?"


End file.
